Release of my inner thoughts

whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried slamming a revolving door. i really dont really have to many problems in life.  things seem to be ok. except my marriage. i hate telling but i do need plently of vent space at the moment.  yet again.  i seem to find my self here everyday i write something then delete it and occaionally i actully post something.  not that i expect anyone to read this.. paper journals seem so outdated

anyway.  my dad and my sister say my husband is going through his midlife crisis and taking it out on me.  it has come to the point where on monday i am picking up my divorce paper work and starting it. 

i cant take it anymore.

i am not as strong as i thought

i am week and cant take it

i keep putting my self in these cycles

im tired of it.

for i have decided i am not good enough for anyman except my daddy.

and here i go again on another sleepless night.

i have to work tomarrow.

yay me.

life sucks.

i wonder why i was stuck with the marriage problem with all the problems in the world

Posted in I am not what i want to be but what i ought to be

do you ever feel so small to the world around you?  wonder who you are and why?  or maybe what  some mundane choice you made not realizing when your were 8 would ever effect your adult hood?... seems strange when you look around and see what others have that you dont.  and you cant accept that you will never be super model hot.  your breasts will never be mature enough to be noticed.  your skin will never feel girly.. your hands are of thoes of a working man, when really you are a girl.  you will never be noticed for being just average, accept to a man whom was just willing to settle for whatever.

I cant to this day figure out why am i such a jealous person.  why must my presents be known?  why must everyone know my accompishments?  is it because i am so jealous of what others have that i dont so i must make it known that i am  doing something great too?  why must i always compare my self to others.  size them up and i say.. yeah i can do better, knowing you really cant.  do you ever wonder why you married a man who is to honest with his feelings?

right now my jealously is directed at one person .  i just want this to go away.  josh had some fiance many many years ago.  and his ex wife was telling me about her and how he told her that no woman could ever compare to his presious sheila.  maybe she was just as jealous as me wanted to be the best josh ever had but knowing she could never be her, like me... which i feel no matter what i do i will never be good enough for him  and its his actions that cause this,

josh really thinks asian women are pretty.  sheila was asian.  josh can never tell me i look nice without some smart ass coment to follow.  and it hurts and he just doesnt get it.  cant i just be pretty?  and leave it at that? nothing more said?

today i had my hair done differently and he tells me tonight i loved your hair today, very asian.  well i am white as white can be.  i have green eyes and dark hair.  i am very tiny.. size 3 about 115lbs and i am 5'3. i have giev birth to 3 kids.  so i dont think i look that bad with my youngest being two.  ok back it.  and i said .."sorry i am not your presious sheila, and he looks at me and says " and you never will be ".. then says "but you are my sammy".... better choice phrase would have been.... "because your better"...

you shouldnt say things like that to your wife whom starves for your affection and compliments which are rarely ever received and if they are some smartass coment has to follow it.

what the hell am i doing? i try so hard to look my best for him... and nothing,  not even a wow at the alter and i thought i looked very nice on my wedding day.  i had to ask him.. I had to say do do you like?  and one time he actully said you look very beautiful.  i remember almost everything that he says to me.. and it sticks to me like glue.  like one time i said do i look beauitful and he says "honey beautiful is in a magazine.. you look very cute though"   and "I am not a normal guy sex really doent do anything for me, but i do it to pleasure you"  UGHHHH... so doesnt that mean i am boring?  and he was trying to be nice. so of course i always try my best to make it great.  he is a jerk i think  he doesnt even realize it.

all this hurts.  i am  nothing a nobody.  just a small speck on this earth trying to servive.  i will not be what i desire,  i will only be what i was made to be.  just me.  and i cant stop trying to change who i am  all the time.  i hate me. 

 i wish i was a new me that can just acecept the fact that "it is what it is"

Posted in I am not what i want to be but what i ought to be