Release of my inner thoughts

why do i feel like there is something missing?  i can never just be happy on the inside.. i feel like i am missing out on something.   i dont feel free... i want to be free.  I want to do what i want when i want... no like break the law stuff... but i dont want all these stupid rules.

i dont know what to do.  I guilt my self, which is good, i dont do things because i am responsable.   i hate being responsable.. i just want to be free of it all... i go to work come home wake up and do it all over again, I feel like there is more out there and i cant get to it.

Posted in Suicide Hotline.... please hold

 must say... i am damn proud of my self. 
not that other mom's dont do this.... its just i didnt think i could carry so much weight and handle it so well.
- im "sick" which will be fixed after sergery.. this sickness causes lots of fatigue and other stuff i dont want to get into. which is probably why i had so much lazyness before...
- I work seriously about 55 hours per week (6 days)
- I come home and cook a great home cooked meal for my family
- I clean my entire house each night and do all the laundry... no laundry is allowed in my laundry room.  it must go straight to the washer when full it gets washed. 
so my house is spotless food is cooked laundry is always done, while still holding a full time demanding job. and a 24 hour mom this feels nice.
 
sorry dont mean to seem so into myself... but seriously if you know... i mean you truly know who i am... you would comend me on the "new" me.

im sloopy..
hate doing laundry and dishes.
i hated working and always called in sick cuz i could
i was never on time to anything and i was sooo flaky.

and now i am taking my time.  taking care of my things... trying to remember to answer e-mails and return phone calls. fogetting how hard i worked for the day and still came home with not an ounce of energy left in me and still taking care of the house needs.

please dont take this blog the wrong way.. and say i am full of my self i am not.. just a while back.. i was freaking lazy didnt want to do shit and now i just decided that it cant be that way. 

other things i still need to do:

Learn to keep my room clean
learn to take my trash out of my car
get my kids on a real schedule (they are but not fully... bed time and story time stays the same so does lunch and dinner times..)
quit smoking!!! Iv only smoked (again for the past year) I quit for like 3 years.  its getting annoying.
i need to get a grip on some other private things in my life that i share with no-one sorry :P
i need to learn to stand up for my self more and no be a door mat.  I need to learn the word NO.
i want to go to bed at 8:30pm and get up at 5am and eat a bowl of oat meal, read my book or go for a jog.

and now i need to go to bed.
now that i am finally satisfied with one of my life chaning tasks its on to the next.

Posted in Suicide Hotline.... please hold