Release of my inner thoughts

why do i feel like there is something missing?  i can never just be happy on the inside.. i feel like i am missing out on something.   i dont feel free... i want to be free.  I want to do what i want when i want... no like break the law stuff... but i dont want all these stupid rules.

i dont know what to do.  I guilt my self, which is good, i dont do things because i am responsable.   i hate being responsable.. i just want to be free of it all... i go to work come home wake up and do it all over again, I feel like there is more out there and i cant get to it.

Posted in Suicide Hotline.... please hold

whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried slamming a revolving door. i really dont really have to many problems in life.  things seem to be ok. except my marriage. i hate telling but i do need plently of vent space at the moment.  yet again.  i seem to find my self here everyday i write something then delete it and occaionally i actully post something.  not that i expect anyone to read this.. paper journals seem so outdated

anyway.  my dad and my sister say my husband is going through his midlife crisis and taking it out on me.  it has come to the point where on monday i am picking up my divorce paper work and starting it. 

i cant take it anymore.

i am not as strong as i thought

i am week and cant take it

i keep putting my self in these cycles

im tired of it.

for i have decided i am not good enough for anyman except my daddy.

and here i go again on another sleepless night.

i have to work tomarrow.

yay me.

life sucks.

i wonder why i was stuck with the marriage problem with all the problems in the world

Posted in I am not what i want to be but what i ought to be

do you ever feel so small to the world around you?  wonder who you are and why?  or maybe what  some mundane choice you made not realizing when your were 8 would ever effect your adult hood?... seems strange when you look around and see what others have that you dont.  and you cant accept that you will never be super model hot.  your breasts will never be mature enough to be noticed.  your skin will never feel girly.. your hands are of thoes of a working man, when really you are a girl.  you will never be noticed for being just average, accept to a man whom was just willing to settle for whatever.

I cant to this day figure out why am i such a jealous person.  why must my presents be known?  why must everyone know my accompishments?  is it because i am so jealous of what others have that i dont so i must make it known that i am  doing something great too?  why must i always compare my self to others.  size them up and i say.. yeah i can do better, knowing you really cant.  do you ever wonder why you married a man who is to honest with his feelings?

right now my jealously is directed at one person .  i just want this to go away.  josh had some fiance many many years ago.  and his ex wife was telling me about her and how he told her that no woman could ever compare to his presious sheila.  maybe she was just as jealous as me wanted to be the best josh ever had but knowing she could never be her, like me... which i feel no matter what i do i will never be good enough for him  and its his actions that cause this,

josh really thinks asian women are pretty.  sheila was asian.  josh can never tell me i look nice without some smart ass coment to follow.  and it hurts and he just doesnt get it.  cant i just be pretty?  and leave it at that? nothing more said?

today i had my hair done differently and he tells me tonight i loved your hair today, very asian.  well i am white as white can be.  i have green eyes and dark hair.  i am very tiny.. size 3 about 115lbs and i am 5'3. i have giev birth to 3 kids.  so i dont think i look that bad with my youngest being two.  ok back it.  and i said .."sorry i am not your presious sheila, and he looks at me and says " and you never will be ".. then says "but you are my sammy".... better choice phrase would have been.... "because your better"...

you shouldnt say things like that to your wife whom starves for your affection and compliments which are rarely ever received and if they are some smartass coment has to follow it.

what the hell am i doing? i try so hard to look my best for him... and nothing,  not even a wow at the alter and i thought i looked very nice on my wedding day.  i had to ask him.. I had to say do do you like?  and one time he actully said you look very beautiful.  i remember almost everything that he says to me.. and it sticks to me like glue.  like one time i said do i look beauitful and he says "honey beautiful is in a magazine.. you look very cute though"   and "I am not a normal guy sex really doent do anything for me, but i do it to pleasure you"  UGHHHH... so doesnt that mean i am boring?  and he was trying to be nice. so of course i always try my best to make it great.  he is a jerk i think  he doesnt even realize it.

all this hurts.  i am  nothing a nobody.  just a small speck on this earth trying to servive.  i will not be what i desire,  i will only be what i was made to be.  just me.  and i cant stop trying to change who i am  all the time.  i hate me. 

 i wish i was a new me that can just acecept the fact that "it is what it is"

Posted in I am not what i want to be but what i ought to be

Dear Mom,

Its been 1 year and 3 months since i touched your cold lifeless body. as you layed there lying on a gurney with your head on a foam block and your eyes and mouth glued shut, you couldn,t see me crying over you or talk to me to comfort me while i just stood there stroking your long hair and crying my eyes out. Among you was Wes, Uncle Tom, GG, Dawnie, Bill, me & dad.  a lot has happend since then.  I got married and you were the dozen roses in an empty chair.  2 months ago i was told i had severe cancer cells groing in my girl area and 3 weeks ago i had a hysterectomy.  it was so hard to not have my moom by my side in that hospital room. I pictured yoy walking through the door and telling me it was alright but you never showed up.  I know people always say "you mom is always watching you"  well thats all well and good but it doesnt help because its not physical.  I cant see you and I cant hear you.  i cry all the time.  i just want you so bad.  I want to come by the shop and see you.  when im sad i want to call you. when something great happends i want to call you.. i know i can talk you but you dont answer.  I pray to God he will grace your presence in my dreams at night. When he does it feels so real like your really there and you talk to and in my dreams i know your dead but.. its as if you are talking to me from heaven and i dont want the dream to end i dont want to wake up. i want to sleep to keep talking you.  I miss you more than anything.  I cant grasp why you are gone i cant understand why you died in a hotel room of heart failure just 4 days after your sister died.

its all to much to take in.  they say its get eaiser but its just getting worse.  please come home.  i love you.

Posted in Letters to mom

 must say... i am damn proud of my self. 
not that other mom's dont do this.... its just i didnt think i could carry so much weight and handle it so well.
- im "sick" which will be fixed after sergery.. this sickness causes lots of fatigue and other stuff i dont want to get into. which is probably why i had so much lazyness before...
- I work seriously about 55 hours per week (6 days)
- I come home and cook a great home cooked meal for my family
- I clean my entire house each night and do all the laundry... no laundry is allowed in my laundry room.  it must go straight to the washer when full it gets washed. 
so my house is spotless food is cooked laundry is always done, while still holding a full time demanding job. and a 24 hour mom this feels nice.
 
sorry dont mean to seem so into myself... but seriously if you know... i mean you truly know who i am... you would comend me on the "new" me.

im sloopy..
hate doing laundry and dishes.
i hated working and always called in sick cuz i could
i was never on time to anything and i was sooo flaky.

and now i am taking my time.  taking care of my things... trying to remember to answer e-mails and return phone calls. fogetting how hard i worked for the day and still came home with not an ounce of energy left in me and still taking care of the house needs.

please dont take this blog the wrong way.. and say i am full of my self i am not.. just a while back.. i was freaking lazy didnt want to do shit and now i just decided that it cant be that way. 

other things i still need to do:

Learn to keep my room clean
learn to take my trash out of my car
get my kids on a real schedule (they are but not fully... bed time and story time stays the same so does lunch and dinner times..)
quit smoking!!! Iv only smoked (again for the past year) I quit for like 3 years.  its getting annoying.
i need to get a grip on some other private things in my life that i share with no-one sorry :P
i need to learn to stand up for my self more and no be a door mat.  I need to learn the word NO.
i want to go to bed at 8:30pm and get up at 5am and eat a bowl of oat meal, read my book or go for a jog.

and now i need to go to bed.
now that i am finally satisfied with one of my life chaning tasks its on to the next.

Posted in Suicide Hotline.... please hold